Starting a conversation on a dating app: how to make a real connection

'Hey.' 'How are you?' 'Nice profile!' If you've ever received a message like this on a dating app, you know how little it does. It feels generic, impersonal, interchangeable. And if you're honest, you've sent one yourself. Not because you weren't interested, but because you didn't know how to start.

The first message on a dating app is one of the most underestimated moments in the dating process. It determines whether a conversation starts or whether your match disappears into the endless list of unanswered chats. And the good news is: science knows what works.

Why most first messages fail

They're generic. 'Hey, how are you?' can be sent to anyone, and the recipient feels it too. They don't ask a question, or they ask a closed question. 'How are you?' is a dead end: the answer is almost always 'Fine, and you?' and after that you're already stuck. They offer nothing to respond to: no hook, no curiosity, no reason to have this conversation instead of one of the ten others sitting in the same inbox.

Research by Hinge's data scientists confirms this pattern. Messages that ask a specific question based on something in the profile receive significantly more responses than generic openers. The reason is simple: specificity shows that you've read the profile, that you're interested in this person, not in just anyone.

What does work: the science of good first messages

Refer to something specific from the profile. Not 'Nice photo' but 'I see you've been to Iceland. What was your favourite place there?' Not 'You like cooking' but 'What's the last dish you made that you were really proud of?' The difference is specificity: you show that you've paid attention to who this person is.

Ask an open question that invites stories, not yes or no. Open questions start with what, how, when or why. 'What's the best book you've read recently?' works better than 'Do you read much?' The first question invites a story. The second invites a single word.

The research by Aron et al. (1997) supports this: personal, gradually deepening questions create a stronger sense of connection than superficial exchange. You don't need to go deep straight away on a dating app, but a question that invites more than a factual answer is always stronger than a generic opener.

"Connection is why we're here. It gives purpose and meaning to our lives."

— Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection, 2010

Show something of yourself. A first message that only asks a question can feel like an interrogation. Add something: 'I see you love hiking. I walked the Pieterpad for the first time last week and I now understand why people are so enthusiastic about it. Do you have a favourite route?' The combination of a personal note and an open question is the strongest format for a first message.

How Onedayte solves the first conversation

Onedayte eliminates the first-message problem entirely. In the Guided Connection, both partners receive the same set of 5 questions that they answer in turn. No awkward 'hey'. No one-liners. Straight into a conversation with depth, built on the principle of reciprocal self-disclosure that Aron's research identified as so effective.

After the Guided Connection, the free chat opens, but by then the foundation has already been laid. You already know something personal about your match. You've already shared vulnerability. The conversation that follows builds on something real, instead of starting from zero with a 'how are you?'

Sources: Hinge data analysis, communication research